Postpartum mental health; when work and life collide

In July my beautiful second baby boy, Cooper Lee, came into the world and completed our family. He is our second IVF baby and truly felt like a miracle as our treatments for each boy resulted in multiple chemical pregnancies prior to conceiving. Cooper, as was Ollie, was actually our last embryo from our IVF cycle so in some ways he brought light when things felt hopeless. While we have been so lucky with the outcome of two healthy kids, I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. More on that another time.

Now time for a trigger warning; please read in safety with caution, especially if topics related to traumatic birthing experiences are difficult to hear about.

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Cooper’s birth came with a lot of complications. I was induced at 37 weeks due to some variable readings in his heart rate that suggested possible umbilical cord compression which in itself was frightening. After 20 hours of laboring, I developed an inter-uterine infection and was started on IV antibiotics. After two hours of pushing, I ultimately needed a c-section due to failure to descend (aka he got stuck). On the way out, my uterine incision tore a bit resulting in a hemorrhage of half of my blood volume and requiring multiple blood transfusions. While terrifying (perhaps especially for my husband) we were thankfully both ok.

Two days after discharge, we took Coop to his routine pediatric follow up and learned that a newborn screen had come back positive for SCID (bubble boy syndrome). We were obviously devastated as we mentally prepared for him possibly needing a bone marrow transplant before a month old. As if things couldn’t get worse, that same day I developed a fever and had to go back to the emergency room.

I learned that a six inch abscess had developed in between my bladder and uterus, presumably from the intrauterine infection. While waiting to have it drained non-invasively, the abscess ruptured. I can definitively say that was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced and none of my epidurals have ever worked. Ouch.

Things became more urgent then. I was floridly septic and was given ten minutes to confer with my husband and consent to be re-operated on to clean out the infection. The surgeon consented and prepared me for a lot of scary complications. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

Luckily everything went as well as it could and I was discharged a few days later accompanied by lots of antibiotics, a new drain coming out of my abdomen, and a wound vac. Also still very anemic and gray looking with 30lbs of fluid to pee off. So cute.

The same day I was discharged we learned that Cooper’s newborn screen was a false positive for SCID. He was going to be fine. We were all going to be fine.

The situation accompanied by postpartum hormone changes brought some pretty low lows during my hospitalizations and notably the coming weeks. While hospitalized, both me and my toddler cried for each other as we were separated for a week. I missed my infant’s second week of life and I am still grieving that time. I had to stop breastfeeding because I didn’t have the energy and my body needed all the reserve it had, which was devastating. My husband held down the fort like a champ at home while enduring his own trauma (and we were so fortunate to have family fly in to help us), but this often left me alone at the hospital. After I finally got to go home, I was so frustrated by my limitations and worried I wouldn’t get back to normal physically or mentally. Between the anemia, sleep deprivation, trauma, and hormonal changes, it felt like my brain wouldn’t work; I cried all the time. I had nightmares about getting sick again or losing my kids. Everything felt broken and despite everyone’s encouragement that things would get better, I felt hopeless.

And…slowly over the next few months things did get back to a new normal for all of us. I physically and mentally healed and the fog lifted. The guilt around having a second child when my toddler needed me lessened and I bonded with my baby, which admittedly took a while. We developed a new rhythm as a family. Now, it’s hard to imagine this all happened just a few months ago.

I write this for a lot of reasons; first, it is healing to share and I am so fortunate and grateful to be alive, for Cooper to be fine, and for my family to be thriving. But even more so, I share to highlight how even someone with expertise in mental health is not immune to trauma and the depths of perinatal and post-partum suffering. While cognitively I believed everything would work out, the fear and despair were immense- knowledge only goes so far. Mental health care has overlooked women for way too long and we need to do better. This experience has reinforced how critical it is to know how to take care of women during pre-conception, pregnancy and post-partum in a way that is thoughtful, nuanced, trauma-informed, and recognizes the immense weight of healing both a body and mind while holding all the responsibility that comes with motherhood and being the matriarch of a family.

I am proud to say that I have finished my certificate training in perinatal mental health (PMH-C) through the Postpartum Support Institute. I am so honored and excited to continue to work with women during their reproductive journey, a time that holds extra meaning for me and that I feel incredibly passionate about.