Living the dream, as they say

Recently a patient (who is also a mother) made a comment about me having "everything together" as a working mom. While I did ultimately try to be a good shrink and explore the transference and her inner self-critic, I first lol’ed literally. “I wish. We’re all just throwing shit at a wall and trying to see what sticks” was my response. 

This conversation inspired me to, in the name of transparency about the reality of being a modern working mom who has "everything together", share with you a casual Monday home with my boys (ages 3.5 years and 6 months). With that, please enjoy:

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- 6:30 AM- Day begins. Normally not bad, but the baby was up several times overnight having coughing fits due to damn daycare germs. 

- First line of business- potty training. Toddler sits on potty for 20 min- no luck up. Stands up, walks into the kitchen, and pisses on my floor. It’s fine, I’m fine, we’re fine. 

- 9:00AM- Take kids to one of our favorite indoor play places despite my best judgment on where the day is going. We survive with only 2 meltdowns each (toddler, infant, and me).

- Toddler doesn’t want to go home and says he wants to go “see animals” (a common request), so we go to pet store because I wanted to get a fish mascot for my office. 

- While at PetSmart, toddler requests a $5 frog to add to our fish tank. I have owned these frogs several times throughout my life and our tank has room, so I oblige.

- We beckon worker to assist us. Fish-man aggressively quizzes me about the details of my fish tank and my knowledge of caring for $5 frog. He is not impressed by my prior experience nor is he satisfied by my answers (his assertions are contrary to my google search, for what it is worth). Refuses to sell me a beta fish or $5 fucking frog even after I agree to recommended upgrades. Toddler hyperventilates because we have to leave “Frank” behind. Despite my usual composure, I can’t help but quip “I really don’t like you right now” at the man. Ouch, I know.

- 1:00 PM- Toddler is so sad about the frog gatekeeping, so we drive 20 mins to another PetSmart to find a new Frank. Fish-lady there does not give a fuck and sells us $5 frog and beta fish (don't @ me, they won't be kept together-duh). Toddler is happy. Got some crumbl cookies and dried our tears. Remembered they are trumpers and cried again. Frank and infant did not have a cookie despite toddler's request. He is very empathic. (EDIT*: my husband admitted that he was not serious about Crumbl being trumpers, he just wanted to discourage me from paying so much for cookies. I do not know the political affiliation of Crumbl, apologies for the slander- cookie on!)

- 1:30 PM- Got home and had to show Frank every room of our house before I was allowed to feed crying baby. Minor toddler meltdown because Frank can’t go to school tomorrow. We compromise on photo of Frank that, of course, must be printed today. Unpaid plug for instax and Santa for buying me said instax for making my day easier.

- Toddler sits on potty again. Requests I put a "puppet show" on for him about poop and pee. Sharts, but won’t accept that this is enough for a prize even though myself and husband reinforce that he did great. Continues to sit on potty for 40 mins requesting videos, books, and puppet shows intermittently for entertainment during attempt to poop. Husband conveniently has a work meeting.

- Infant found eating dog bone he found on ground while I am doing above mentioned performances.

- 2:15 PM- Toddler gets off potty after husband convinces him and then shits his pants 5 mins later. When confronted about pants shitting, screams “NO I DIDN'T” and hits me in the face. Sobs at the shame of shitting his pants. Conflicted over scolding him for hitting me or comforting him for his shame. Attempt weird combination of both that probably prolongs the original meltdown.

- 2:45 PM- Finally put the sick infant down for a nap. Toddler lays down and then immediately decides he isn’t ready for a nap because he has suddenly become hungry. He was not hungry 15 minutes ago when asked, of course. 

- Husband feeds toddler, while I sit with infant. I hear menacing screaming downstairs so I throw infant in crib and come running down. Toddler’s mouth is bleeding from biting his tongue. I quip "should have taken a nap". Whoops, this is not appreciated.

- Lots of dissociated hugs later I get him in bed (ours, not his) for a nap. Will only nap with me. Fine by me, I could use a nap. It’s after 3pm which is not good. IYKYK.

- 4:30 PM- Infant wakes up crying.

- 4:32 PM- Toddler wakes up crying. Why is everyone crying? It's as if they know I won for 90 minutes.

- We re-regulate with TV- Peppa Pig (mom of the year, I know). Toddler insists on only calling me “mummy” in a British accent for the rest of the night.

- 5:15 PM- Attempt dinner. Toddler agrees only to eat cheez-its. 

- Boys get in bath. Two mins in- toddler states “I have to poop”. Get him on the potty within five seconds. One turd lands on the floor during transfer and one in the potty, but (go me!) not in the tub. Somehow this counts as a win so he gets a prize (mini toy animal and a chocolate). I am told this is progress.

- After bath, says he wants to save his chocolate for an ambiguous later. In retrospect, I should have questioned this request.

- I put baby to sleep after using snot sucker for the 3rd time today. Yum. Myself and husband attempt putting toddler to sleep. He then says he wants his chocolate now.

- Tantrum ensues because he can’t eat chocolate after brushing his teeth. Needless to say, sitting on the potty again does not seem like it can happen right now, perhaps for any of us.

- 8:00 PM- While still sobbing he demands we all dance to “Pink Pony Club”. Then he demands we read “The Night Before Christmas” for the 23rd night in a row. It is January. 

- I escape his room. 

- 8:05 PM- He calls me (not dad) back to reaffirm that he can eat chocolate for breakfast. I concede- sure, sure. Just please go to sleep.

- 8:07 PM- Calls me (not dad) again to inform me he is “feeling much better now.” Oh, thank goodness. I was so concerned.

- 8:30 PM- I have not been beckoned again, however I can hear him talking to his Alexa which is concerning.

- 9:00 PM- Baby cries. I go to him like a pavlovian dog.

- 9:30 PM- Baby goes back to bed

- 9:31 PM- I collapse. What a day. Can’t wait to start the work week tomorrow.

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I don’t share this story in a self-deprecating way; while my insecurities are constantly sneaking in, I genuinely believe I have great kids and am a pretty good mom most of the time. Yet, there are days that all the responsibility feels so heavy that I worry I’ll drop it all. After a challenging week at work and at home last week, I spoke with a fellow shrink friend tearfully and expressed I wasn’t sure why I felt so anxious this week. She said simply, “you’re taking care of so many people.” That statement alone snapped me back to the reality of my mental load and let me, at least temporarily, have some compassion for myself.

I share this story more so to humanize how fucking. hard. this. is- parenting, working, "holding it together". The demands don’t end even when your nervous system is on fire. Not to mention the world is burning (casual side note) which leaves us all in a baseline state of hypervigilance and fear.

So, to all my working parents out there (or really just parents in general)- you’re doing great. Even on days when it feels like you’re failing at everything, you’re still doing great. It wouldn’t be this hard if it didn’t mean so much. Be easy on yourself, let yourself be human, get help- I sure do. We aren't meant to do this alone. In the meantime, I’m here to talk, real talk, about the day-to-day in the trenches; the moments of rage, grief, and shame AND the moments of excitement and pride. I’m here to help heal the parts of you that make this feel impossible or make you feel unworthy or incapable. Let’s talk.

New Frank, the true protagonist of the day.